


Still

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: BROADWAY CAST!!, Breakups, Deere is 🥺🥺🥺, Jake is tired and sad, Jeremy cries, Jeremy is messed up and sad, M/M, PTSD, Panera, jake’s own trauma, jake’s parents - Freeform, sorry bout that, squip trauma, this isn’t happy aside from the ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: If honesty means telling you the truth?Well, I'm still in love with you.
Relationships: Jake Dillinger/Jeremy Heere
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Still

Jeremy looks up at the sound of a noise.

Jake is standing behind the opposite chair in Panera; this night really couldn't get worse, could it? He's the one who called Jake to meet him, anyway, so he can't blame anyone but himself. He just... doesn’t know how this conversation is going to go.

"What did you need?"

Jake's expression is both wary and weary, as he slides into the seat and sighs. Jeremy can't blame him- being stuck with the disaster he is must be exhausting for Jake.

"I'm sorry." Is what he manages to start with, the words stinging and clawing at his throat and pride as Jake gives him a tired look. He's heard all this before, why does Jeremy think this time will be different?

"My mind...it's not really in the best of places right now. I don't know why I just told you that, you can pretty clearly see it, right?" He laughs to himself, picking at the napkin in front of him.

"Jeremy,"

"No. I'm not done. I'm having trouble trying to force it back to where it should be and I'm TRYING. I'm trying so hard, but after everything that's happened, it isn't working like I want." He looks up at Jake, surprised to see the worry finally shining past the weariness. "I've been overreacting. I took you saying we needed to take a break way too hard, and I'm having such a bad time trying to say that I'm sorry. I'm trying to verbalize it. And I'll make it up to you, Jake, I promise. I'm gonna get better. I'll work through this."

"Jeremy, listen to me." Jake's voice cuts through the haze in his head, as he takes Jeremy's smaller hands into his own. "I forget that you're struggling with yourself a lot more than I am. And I forget that things aren't ever supposed to be perfect, and I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for the things I've said in our fights. I'm sorry for not understanding what goes on up there for you."

Jeremy's lip trembles, and he can see the worker cleaning a table throw him a worried glance. He's crying, so that makes sense.

"You can't apologize for me, Jake. I made the mistakes that made me the mess that I am. But...the squip made me lie. And I never told you but every single thing I end up saying is always the truth, because I can't lie anymore. I can't let another person get hurt by a bunch of words that were never true in the first place. So, Jake. What I told you a month ago, before you called us off. Do you remember?"

Jake feels sick. No, he doesn't remember. Whatever it is, it was probably important, because anything that Jeremy says seriously means that the smaller boy had to fight the inner demons plaguing his mind to say it. Anxiety is a cruel, debilitating disease that Jeremy lives with EVERY DAY and the fact that Jake can't even remember what he said to him means a lot in a show of his character.

"I guess you don't. Okay, I guess I should've expected that." Jeremy looks up from the now-shredded napkin, making a quick, momentarily pained eye contact with Jake. "I'm sitting here with you tonight because I'm trying to be honest. That's the only thing I know will keep your faith in me for this, so. If honesty means telling you the truth, well..."

Jake waits, as Jeremy finally makes direct eye contact with him, the blue eyes (with that speckle of brown) holding a spark he hasn't seen for months.

"Well, I'm still in love with you. As much as I was that night, I still am. And seeing you angry at me, and rethinking the things I said, I'm not surprised you ended things for us. We’re god knows how many miles away from where we were when we started this relationship, thousands of minutes from the day we did. And I’m sorry. I needed to tell you that.”

Jake keeps his face neutral- years of pain from his missing parents made him pretty good at that. He needs a few seconds, so his inner self can scream and cry and fight because WOW, he’s stupid, isn’t he?

Jeremy loves him. Jeremy wasn’t the one who wanted to leave him. Jeremy FOUGHT to stay WITH him, and the fact that he didn’t let him only because he was scared Jeremy would eventually leave was proven to be irrational mere moments ago by the words that came from his ex, a few feet away.

This “I love you” didn’t come from Chloe, as she texted another boy behind his back. This “I love you” didn’t come from his parents, in a letter left on the table after they ran.

This “I love you” came from the person Jake never meant to hurt but also got hurt by. That’s what stings the most.

“I’m sorry, Jeremy.” He somehow gets the words to come out, as the other boy crosses his arms and leans back in his seat. “I overthought things. I don’t remember you saying that and I wish I did- but I need to tell you why I even ended things anyway. I overthink, and I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just go back to the basics of human trust, where no one gives you a reason to think otherwise of them but I can’t. I didn’t want to let you too close because when I do, when I finally let people see past the layers, they leave. Chloe never stayed around for long, even if I loved her for a year. My parents told me they loved me and they never came back. So, this doesn’t excuse anything from me. But...I’m sorry too. And it hurts that I even pushed you to the point that you felt you had to fight to keep my devotion, and that after you couldn’t, it was like a war broke loose. I’m sorry I pushed you to that.”

Jeremy silently wipes at his face with another napkin he grabbed, before dropping it back on the table.

“I guess we both lost our focus, huh?” He chokes out, cheeks irritated from the harsh material of the napkin.

“Yeah, I guess we did.” Jake sighs, drumming his nails on the table. “But that doesn’t change what I’m about to say. What happens now?”

“What?” Jeremy pushes his glasses up, eyes tired now, above anything.

“What happens now, between me and you? Because...I think I’m willing to make a change, if you want it. Just tell me you want it and I know that things will be different this time around. After all, you’re not the only one still in love.”

Jeremy’s breath hitches, and he looks up at Jake with those stupid eyes that make him weak every damn time.

“Are you serious? I just asked you to meet me here so I could fully apologize, I don’t want to guilt trip you into dating me again.”

“You’re not. I love you, Jeremy, and I’m ready to try again. I’ll get to a therapist so I can talk my feelings out and not take them out on anyone. I am 100% ready to do this. I’m being honest- that’s what this talk was about, right?”

Jeremy gives him a quick nod, tear stains on his cheeks more visible than ever.

“Honesty is what we’re going to build this on. And this time, things are going to be different. It’s going to be alright.”


End file.
